What Do You Mean, Lunatic?

I don’t watch much TV, but tonight I caught a few shows. I like the upbeat announcer’s voice that always says, “New Episode coming next week.” But as a title came up that said “The Strike is over!” he said in his excited voice, “New Episodes coming in July.”

I know these things take time to get going again, but I don’t see the problem… you write a script today, shoot it tomorrow, do a quick edit and air next Tuesday. Whatever happened to “The Show Must Go On?”

Actually, I’m not all that serious… Making a movie takes so much time… every step of the way. It’s like moving… it’s endless… and after you pack up that last box, your stuff seems to multiply and there’s even more. Editing a movie is like that “Outer Limits” where the world slows down to a crawl around you… where for every hour that passes, actually only a second has gone by, and everyone appears to be motionless. (Kind of like waiting in line at the post office)

Well, I was happy to see a new review from “Blood Sucking Babes” on Sleazegrinder today. It’s nice when a reviewer “gets it.” My favorite line was “…Director Bowman is either a genius or a lunatic. I’d bank on the latter…” Most reviewers just stop at the “lunatic” line:

http://sleazegrinder.com/garb_2-2008.htm

I also liked “…a low-budget, blood-splattered jiggle-fest…” The picture is from the beach attack scene. Yes, it seemed like we had gallons of that mint-flavored blood. None of the actors have been able to drink a bloody mary since!

My Valentine's Date

On Valentine’s Day, I want to take my date to the most romantic place in the world. Not Paris… not Rome... but the Drive-in Movies! It’s as ancient a practice as carving stone or painting on cave walls, I know, but an evening at the drive-in was really special. Now, a lot of people today think taking your date to the Drive-in was just an excuse to get out of the house and make-out. But that’s not true… it was the atmosphere – the crackly speakers, the Announcements to go get your popcorn, enjoying a movie without ever getting out of your car. It’s all about the mood.

What was great too, was that they were double features. This was a great way to see offbeat B-Movies you otherwise may not have otherwise seen. I saw lots of movies, but for some reason, a movie that sticks out in my mind… I think the last one I ever saw in a drive-in is “The Last Detail” with Jack Nicholson. A Navy kid is taken out by his buddies to have one last hurrah before he’s locked up.

Regular movie theaters today aren’t the same, but they have their own special mood, too. The feel of finding that good seat, and getting more popcorn that you could ever possibly eat is kind of a tradition. It’s so ingrained in us, that even though you’re on a diet… watching every fat gram during the week, being in a theater somehow makes it okay to pour butter flavored goop made of plastic or something, all over your popcorn – it’s all part of the mood.

Think about it - If mood wasn’t that big a deal, you could go on, let’s say… a picnic date. Why go to a park with all those ants and bugs? Why go to the beach, where you crunch down on little sand grits in your sandwich, no matter how careful you are? You really could just lay your picnic blanket out in the middle of the living room floor… but you don’t, because it’s the mood and atmosphere that’s important. It’s worth all the little inconveniences.

Why then, do we download movies on our Ipods? How romantic is that? Do you and your date huddle in close to see the screen? Do you hang the Ipod on a wire from the ceiling so you can pretend you’re looking up at the big screen? Technically, you and your date don’t even need to be in the same room if you both have an Ipod.

I guess the good thing is, that it opens up the dating possibilities. This Valentine’s Day I’m not limited to going on a date with a lady who lives nearby. This saves on gas too. I can have a movie date with a lady in Toronto… or New York, or Italy. We could download the same movie at exactly the same time. We can pop our own microwave popcorn and watch the movie together… even though we’re thousands of miles apart.

Now, there’s another thing you can add to make your Valentine’s Night special… The reaction of the person you’re with is important while you’re watching a movie… and exchanging a few laughs together during it… So you can both set up a web cam on yourselves, and glance over at each other anytime you want. I’m sure you can coordinate the start of the movie at the same time, so your reactions will be right on. With a simple microphone, you can share laughs during the movie and even some romantic whisperings. With an Ipod or cell phone, you don’t have to deal with the crunching of gravel as cars pull into the drive-in a little late or any other annoyances. It’s totally romantic… just she and I… and our Ipods watching “The Last Detail!” Technology just keeps getting better and better… I’m feeling romantic already!

Atention All Major Studios!

It’s a beautiful day today and the strike is over! I am sitting here at Swork having my second cup of dark coffee, glad that the writers are happy with their deal.

As I write this, and the industry is starting up in full gear again… don’t take this as a strong hint… but it does cross my mind that people are often “discovered” sometimes just from their Blogs. You get a sense of them through their writing and might hire them. I am not pushy at all, as you know if you’ve been following my Blogs… but I am sitting here at Sworks in my grungy sweats and 3 Stooges t-shirt… sort of hanging out. I might even go for a third or fourth cup of coffee. I am enjoying myself today, but if perchance I am “discovered”… that’d be nice too!

Just to let you know, though… I’m not talking about being offered any kind of fancy studio directing job. Even though I have to struggle with a tight budget on my indie movies, I get to call all the shots and do whatever I want… I am in total creative control… so if I like a guy in my horror movie to twist slightly to the left and look dazed and drool while eaten by a cute half naked cannibal, that’s how it’ll be. Oh, of course it’d be nice to direct a studio movie, but I would need to do things my own way.

Now, Acting, on the other hand… that sounds much more intriguing! I was fortunate to play one of the most fun acting roles I’ve ever done - the gun-cradling Sergeant Bjorn Free in Scott V. Buchanan’s PSO-LA (Private Security Officer- Los Angeles). You can see the trailer here: http://PSOLA.com. It’s like the CSI Shows, but this is the story of Private Security Officers let loose on Los Angeles. I played the uptight Sergeant to renegade Security Officers played by Danilo Mancinelli and Mark Norris. Visit the site and it’ll just start playing.

Uh – I notice my cell still isn’t ringing and my kirkfilms@hotmail.com email is awfully quiet too. Well, I think I’ll go in for one more cup of coffee. You know where I am!

Messages for 6205 AD

I remember after my movie Premiere of “Sex Chocolate & Zombie Republicans” ten years ago, one guy in the audience said, “I loved the movie overall, but why do the Zombies drool green gel first, then their faces turn white, while later the zombie faces turn white right away… but they never drool the green gel – they just growl? Were they part of the undead? – I’m confused.”

Hmmm… I think I probably told him that as the Zombies are exposed to air for a few days in the summer heat, they start to dry up (but actually the sale on the case of lime jello expired before we shot those last scenes.) I guess the point is that lots of things happened in this movie: Right wing zombies crash into a house during a slumber party – one rips the framed bill of rights off the wall and eats it… a conservative little old lady eats a VHS tape with a provocative picture on the cover, slurping the tape like spaghetti. One zombie kidnaps the Latina maid to take her back over the border before her fiancé arrives. In the meantime, there’s a Right Wing BBQ, where they burn books instead of burgers - books that the religious right doesn’t happen to approve of… like those crazy science books that seem to think the planet is over 6000 years old! Then, the architect father (played by me) designing a park, goes “rabid,” and turns it into a prison instead …Then, the Right wing zombies try to force their ideas on the entire world. (Sound familiar to anything going on right here today???)

Now, most people that see the movie “Sex, Chocolate & Zombie Republicans” realize that it’s not about “Republicans” – it’s not really a political piece. It’s a satirical look at right wing fanatics – their ways, not their beliefs. Now, I’m not saying anything negative about right wing fanatics – I adore ultra conservative folks! I’m even not disagreeing with their belief that we coexisted with dinosaurs and Noah saves them all from the storm in his Ark. There are over 700 named species of dinosaurs x 2= at least 1400 dinosaurs of all shapes and sizes on Noah’s Ark with all the other animal pairs in the world, but who knows? Maybe Noah just built a pretty big ship. Let’s say 1400 dinosaurs and all other animals on the planet got along for 40 days and 40 nights on a boat… a little tough, but could work, right? Okay, I’ll have a little faith!

What the movie is about is the right wing fanatics’ insistence on censoring science books that disagree with them. Even though scientists could be absolutely crazy to think the world might have been formed over 6000 years ago in any more than seven 24-hour days, should these wacky off-the-wall scientific notions like that be censored? That “Lucy” skull wasn’t even real – it was probably a prop left behind from some low budget horror movie!

“Sex, Chocolate & Zombie Republicans” did have more of a message than a lot of my films. Plus, in a few hundred years, when this planet Earth gets to be 6,205 years old, maybe our great-great grandchildren will look back and shake their heads in dismay, right?

Message in a Bottle

As I sit here at Swork Coffee House thinking about movies, I realize that what a film is saying is more important than ever, today. Viewers are demanding messages they can relate to. Movies will endure generations after we’re gone, so their messages are really like “time in a bottle,” to later be watched over and over and appreciated. I thought about it, and what my message would be in “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank” – “If your girlfriend starts rubbing jewels all over herself, strips and grows fangs, don’t try to reason with her – get the hell out of there!” How’s that?

In Curse of the Pink Panties, the message is also clear… “If you’re a model, and evil spirits inhabit your panties… compassion and understanding is sure to work better than trying to destroy the pesky little demons.” (See Photo) After trying everything, Becca plays her guitar and sings a love song she wrote to the tough gangster in her panties, and he zooms out into the air before his head explodes… kill them with kindness! Okay, maybe there’s not a super strong message in these movies. I don’t know what they put in this coffee today... I guess you should look at Cranium Candy Movies by, well… please refer to item #2 in yesterday’s post, “Blood and Guts.”

Actually though, one of the things that worked well in “Babes” is Felicity’s eerie feelings about the attacks – that cannibalism is not as abhorrent as it appears… that in nature, creatures like the black widow spider and the preying mantis devour their mates. Zack is incredulous and sickened hearing Felicity so casually and logically putting this all together. The female eating her mate alive and leaving behind an empty shell blowing in the wind… sounds a little like… marriage! Okay, just kidding there. But that comparison to facts in nature gave this offbeat B-Movie a disturbing base. Seriously, there’s no reason why a fun, wacky comedy or campy horror can’t show you something in a very unique way and make you think.

Okay… In “Curse of the Pink Panties,” one of the girls is so tormented by the demonic little spirit living in her panties, that she douses them with her grandmother’s perfume. This is a clear message about using tacky, flowery perfumes as a weapon… Well, okay, enough of this. I’m putting down the dark coffee right now, and ordering an herb tea. Next post, though, you’re not off the hook… I’m going to tell you about a wacky movie I did 10 years ago, where the message and predictions have all come true in a very scary way.

Blood and Guts

We must apologize. If you picked up a copy of “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank,” and have a weak stomach, the blood and gore may have really gotten to you. The attached picture is a blood sucking babe that won’t let this guy in the bar go sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong!

Here’s a couple sentences from a random review of “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank” I ran across. Dr. Gore, who reviews hundreds of horror movies, says this, “It’s as if the movie penetrated my eyes and blasted through the back of my skull. Images of babes and blood sucking were playing on the wall behind my head as my scrambled brains couldn’t keep up with the cheap carnage.”

It’s true – “Babes” just might scramble your brains a little bit. Should I put a Warning on the DVD box cover? I’ve thought about that.

There are two ways you can watch a Cranium Candy movie like “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank”:

1. Create a think-tank. Invite several scholars and insert DVD. Pause at key points to discuss the movie. “Yes, the cannibal girl had her breasts exposed in the bar for 3.4 seconds…. That seems adequate.” “Hmmm… Felicity never explains her inner feelings when she first saw a girl turn into a zombie. Now let’s analyze how the guys turn their heads when the cannibal-chick bites their necks.”

2. Listen to Dr. Gore… After a long week at work you get 5 of your rowdiest friends over – get bags of chips and the fattest, greasiest pizza you can find… and stick a large keg in the middle of the room. Put the DVD in… and get your brain blasted out the back of your skull!

I won’t even go into the details of which of the above works best, but you get the idea… Have a fun movie night!

Nudity Required

Call me crazy… I don’t like shooting nude scenes. It’s a lot of work. The lighting has to be absolutely perfect, since everything’s all right out in the open. If you show too much, it could actually prevent sales to some countries since all their rules are different on what’s acceptable to be seen or not. You have to show just enough to make the viewer want to see more. A love scene is usually shot in such short clips from many different angles and dissolved together to make it more fluid and romantic. On top of worrying about all that, you have to be constantly aware that the actors are not uncomfortable or starting to feel awkward along the way.

Why have nudity? Well, for certain genres, like B-Movie horrors… that is one of their “main ingredients.” “No nudity” in a B-Movie horror would be like an action movie without the chase, or a romantic comedy with no love interest... a martini without the olive! The bottom line is, for most movies, “who is in it,” is the main selling point. Horror is one genre where that isn’t as important, and nudity kind of takes the place of the requirement of using known actors. As our friends at Maxim Media International say, “Blood, Babes and Boobs!”

I remember the moment that I took nudity very seriously. I’d shot a suspense thriller years ago – “Secret Sins” – that had some nudity in it, but not a lot. There were several reasons there wasn’t much nudity – Starting the love scene at 3am after a 17 hour day kept us from making the main love scene very long… Another nude scene came out a little too dark, plus a few other logistical reasons (this was shot on 35mm film, before there was even digital). Well, “Secret Sins” was represented at AFM, so we went up to visit our distributor at that time, in their suite at the Lowe’s. He said the Japanese buyers had just been in and wanted to buy rights to that territory for over 20K, and that they came back several times, really wanting it… but they passed because there wasn’t enough nudity. That is the numbing moment that I realized that if your genre calls for nudity, it should be taken very seriously. We made other sales, which was nice, but also lost a few big ones because of this.

Now, it’s true… Sometimes the sexiest scenes are where an actress is in lingerie… or fully clothed even… Just as long as the magnetism is there… and that’s what makes it work. There’s no actual nudity in my comedy “Curse of the Pink Panties,” for instance, and it opens itself up to a wider audience being more of a sexy PG-13 movie without the actual nudity. Some of the scenes are more provocative than if they had included nudity. This won’t work in a genre where nudity is totally expected, but in a sexy comedy like this, it works even better without it.

Our horror movie “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank” – a campy low budget horror - was a movie where nudity was a necessity. I was very lucky in “Babes,” that the love scene was done by people that got along really well. Mira Rayson, who plays Felicity, is a dynamic, very pretty 18 year old actress. She had met Zack, played by Danilo Mancinelli, just 2 days before the love scene… but they were totally comfortable with it, and it really had that spark. Danilo is very professional on the set, and even within the first few hours they met, they were talking through the scene and how their ideas of how it might play. A big part of the movie is that magical love scene… and after all, the magic is what it’s all about.